God – Total Surrender

Gratitude

As we start off the New Year, many of us are writing down our resolutions, or creating goals we’re preparing to reach. The past few years I’ve heard more and more people talking about choosing their “one word for the year” With the plan to be more intentional about living that word out through the year.

I’ve never chosen one before. And I didn’t plan on choosing one this year either. Mainly because trying to pick just one seemed difficult, since there are so many different aspects of life I want to continue to grow in.

*I encourage you to read the following verses in your Bible, or looking them up as you read the next few paragraphs*

But lately as I’ve been doing my Bible study, in journaling, and in prayer, one word has continually been pressing on my heart, and that is gratitude.

The past two months I’ve been reading through the Old Testament, and learning at a new depth of the Lord’s goodness. Reading about His creation (Genesis 1) and amazed that I can experience it daily. The writings of His power and provision (Genesis 37-46, Exodus 3-4 & 13-14, 1 Samuel 17, and many more) stirring my heart to awe. And seeing His faithfulness as He makes His covenants and keeps them (Genesis 8-9 & 12-17, Exodus 19, 2 Samuel 7, Jeremiah 31:31-34)

At the same time in reading throughout the Old Testament, I’ve continued to see a new depth of the wickedness of us in our flesh. The fall of creation (Genesis 3), the continued corruption of man’s heart (Genesis 6), and rebellion against the Lord and His commands (Genesis 16 &19, Exodus 32, Numbers 14, 1 Samuel 15, 2 Samuel 6, 11, & 24, as well as many more). And it doesn’t stop there.

“Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said ‘Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.’ Now the manna was like coriander seed, and its appearance like that of bdellium. The people went about and gathered it and ground it in handmills or beat it in mortars and boiled it in pots and made cakes of it. And the taste of it was like the taste of cakes baked with oil. When the dew fell upon the camp in the night, the manna fell with it. Moses heard the people weeping throughout their clans, everyone at the door of his tent. And the anger of the Lord blazed hotly and Moses was displeased.” Numbers 11:4-10

Now when I first read this passage above, I was frustrated and angry. I was thinking “are you seriously complaining, when God just brought you out of slavery (see Exodus 7-14), with the promise of a new land filled with all you would need, and He’s even giving food along the journey?” And as I was growing in my frustration, I stopped and realized I’m no better than they are.

How many times have I passed up an opportunity to praise the Lord for what He’s done, because I was complaining about another desire? Or wallowed in pity, as He removed one thing to lead me to something better? What about ignoring a blessing He has bestowed, because it wasn’t how I thought it would be?

Ask yourself these same questions. The wickedness we see in the Old Testament, the people rebelling against the Lord and ignoring His commands, continues in us. You may not have a golden statue that you praise, but is there something you’re putting ahead of the Lord? Is your time, relationship, entertainment, or money an idol in your life? You may not have touched the Ark of the Covenant as Uzzah did (2 Samuel 6:6-7), but are you doing something He has commanded you not to? Have you lied, cheated, stolen, disobeyed your mother or father? Maybe you’re not complaining about eating manna day after day, but is there something else you’re complaining about instead of trusting in the Lord’s steadfastness?

We are sinful. But the Lord is merciful.

“Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband declares the Lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying ‘Know the LORD,’ for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.” Jeremiah 31:31-34

This covenant that the Lord made, was fulfilled through Christ (Matthew 5:17) , as He died on the cross for our sins. And through faith in Him alone, we receive the gift of salvation, knowing that we will be with the Lord for eternity.

So as 2024 starts, I have decided to intentionally walk in gratitude. I want my heart to sing His praises, not reside in ungratefulness or complaints. And in my flesh, I may fall in this, but I can start right now by thanking the Lord that He has paid the debts of my sins and failures through His Son! And for His redemption, making me new that I may desire to live for Him!

If you’re sitting here wondering “have I been forgiven?” “am I saved?”, or “what does any of this mean?” I encourage you to reach out to a believing friend, local church, or you can even go to my contact page for questions.

Now I want to know from you, what are you grateful for today?

-Ellie Marie

Satisfied in You

We have just about everything at our fingertips. A message can be sent across the globe, in a matter of seconds. You can download whole seasons of a tv show, and watch it all in one night. Potential relationships can be swiped through, with just a glimpse of their lives. You can even heat up food in less than a minute, all with the click of a button. The list goes on and on.

Yet, there is still a consistent longing among us. A discontentment that resides in our hearts, as we search for something more. Deep down, we know the instant gratifications of this world can not fulfill us.

We desire something more, because we need something more. And our thirst will not be quenched with having the newest technology, buying a self help book, or the completion of a D.I.Y. project you’ve been working so hard on. Eventually the excitement wanes, something newer comes along, and we realize it was just a temporary bandage constantly needing to be replaced.

What is it for you? In your flesh, what/who do you run to for comfort, peace, or to complete you?

“Jesus said to them, I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” John 6:35

There is only one who can truly satisfy us.

-One who fully knows you (Psalm 139)

-One who is always with you (Joshua 1:9)

-One who is consistent through eternity (Hebrews 13:8)

-One who deeply loves you (John 3:16 & Romans 5:8)

In Christ, we are made whole. We can rest in His grace and mercy. Knowing that because of His sacrifice on the cross, we are able to have the gift of salvation.

Our life will have it’s trials and tribulations. But when our hope, joy, peace, and satisfaction is rooted in the Lord, we are able to still say it is well.

“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” Psalm 42:1-2

Contentment found in the Lord has been a prayer of mine for years, and one I want to continually grow in. And if you find yourself looking to be completed by different things in this world, I urge you to pray that God will transform your heart, to find your satisfaction in Him alone.

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for your goodness and graciousness. Thank you that through You, we are made whole and complete. I pray for our hearts and minds to be fully focused and content in You, Lord. Let any idols or distractions that seek to come first, be rooted out of us. I pray for a growing desire in the pursuit of knowing You. In Jesus name, amen.

I encourage you to intentionally set time out of your day to spend with the Lord. Spend time in prayer, praise, and reading His word. Go to Him with your hopes, confessions, doubts, excitement, or questions. And if you haven’t yet, and want to put your faith in Christ, pray and acknowledge Him as Lord and savior!

Don’t let the busyness of life, take priority over your relationship with God. The dreams you’re planning, project you’re building, person you’re dating, etc. These things may be important, but they can never fully satisfy you.

Only in Christ alone.

-Ellie Marie

Birds of the Air

Photo by Anthony Gurrola (@anthonygurrola)

I’ve spent a good portion of my life wrestling with anixety.

Stomach aches and fast heart rates. Chipping away fresh nail polish, while sitting in the very back row. Always making sure I had an escape plan for any scenario, all while telling myself in my head “you’re fine, just keep breathing.”

I’m sure you’ve been there before. The population of those who struggle with anxiety grows every year.

It can feel hopeless, as your fears just seem to get more all consuming. I remember that feeling.

My anxiety has ranged from being nervous in social settings, to not being able to drive a car out of fear of what could happen. There were somedays I barely felt like I was living.

At the beginning of 2020, on a Sunday evening, my church small group got together. There were about 35 of us that showed up, and I was on high alert. I sat on the edge of the circle, and kept my thoughts to myself. That is until they paired us off in prayer groups.

In that moment I felt a wave of exhaustion. Tired of living in constant fear, of always looking for new coping mechanisms, of always coming up with a plan.

I looked up at my prayer partner, and poured my heart out to her. I’m pretty sure I said more in that moment, than I had all year in our small group. We then prayed together, that I would no longer find my comfort in a zone but in the Lord, for forgiveness of the selfishness of my heart as I had a constant focus on me, for a deeper trust in God.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34

The passage above (Matthew 6:25-34) is one I read a lot growing up. One I’ve continued to read often.

While it is not a promise of a perfect, or easy life here on earth, these verses are a reminder of the love God has for us. That He is in control, and His plan is far greater than we could ever imagine.

Being anxious about the people around us, how we look, or what the future holds for us, will not do anything. Yet trusting in God will change everything.

After I prayed with the woman in my small group, there was a radical change in my life. Starting the very next day.

A group of people (none of which I knew very well) at my church decided to go hiking, and invited anyone to tag along. It was also about 30 minutes away, which meant I would need to drive there.

I thought back on the words I pleaded with God the night before. Next thing I know I’m saying “count me in!” and getting ready to go. My heart still raced the entire way there, and my hands were a little clammy on the steering wheel.

It was time though. Time for me to fully surrender the anxiety I carried around my whole life. Time to trust in Him more than I trusted in myself.

That evening was one of many opportunities, that God has used to push me out of my comfort zone, and grow me the past two years. It has been painful, and nerve wrecking at times. Yet through it I have been able to say it has been good, and more importantly HE IS GOOD!

As my desire to seek out the Lord, and to serve Him has grown, the focus on myself has lessened. Including the anxious thoughts about what I need to do, or what people think of me. I praise and thank Him for the place that I am now.

There are still moments of anxiousness, and I fall short. But as we see in the scriptures, and as I have witnessed in how He has moved in my own heart, His grace and love for us conquers.

If you’re struggling, I encourage you to surrender it to God. Go to Him with your fears and worries. Confess and repent of ways you’ve fallen short, and ask for His loving forgiveness. Pray for opportunities for God to grow you, and prepare your heart with truth for when they come.

This is not a one time prayer, or a one time action. It has been an ongoing process for me, a constant refining. Yet each time, I learn to trust Him more and more. I hope to continue doing so through out my life.

Next time you’re in a moment of anxiety, think of the birds. Think of the lilies. Think of the grass in the fields. Go to God.

-Ellie Marie

*I also want to address in addition to your spiritual health, to check in on your mental health. Anxiety can have different roots, sometimes coming from a chemical imbalance, or other environmental factors too. If you are in need of prayer or want someone to talk to, always feel free to go to my contact page, and fill out the information boxes 🙂

One Year

One year ago today, I stood next to my father’s bedside in the Intensive Care Unit. As a machine kept him breathing, I knew I was saying my final goodbyes.

The past few weeks I’ve wondered what today would look like. How I would feel, where I would go, and how would I take time to remember him.

As I think back on this time last year, there was a lot of pain and sadness. But it was also a time where I felt the Lord’s presence so strongly, and started to really realize what it meant to know that true joy is found in God.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

Just a few hours before my dad took his final breaths, as people were sharing memories, my aunt mentioned a conversation she had with my dad. He told her of the encouragements I wrote on Facebook, proclaiming my faith in the Lord, how they moved him in his faith. He told her that he hoped I would never stop writing those, because you never know who needed to hear it.

So that’s how I want to remember him today. By sharing a testimony of last year, and how the Lord worked in my relationship with my dad, to bring the both of us closer to Him.

While I’m not going to share the full details, my dad and I didn’t always have the easiest of relationships. Growing up there were long periods of time I didn’t see him, and when we did it was every other weekend. On those weekends we always had fun though, and made some good memories.

Around the time I was 16 years old, my dad broke the news that he had been diagnosed with ALS, and was given up to 5 years to live. Our adventures together started to change, as he started to need a cane to walk. A year later it was a wheelchair.

In those times fear began to build up in me, although I didn’t know it at the time. From that fear I let anger and bitterness grow, as I thought on the years I missed out on with him. The times I wanted him to be there, and he wasn’t. I pushed those feelings away most of my childhood, because I always hoped one day he would make it up in the years to come. But then all of a sudden the hope of those years were no longer there.

At the beginning of 2020, it had been about 3 months since I had seen my dad. I sent him the occasional text, but my heart was consumed with many negative feelings.

Around this same time, we were going through the book of Jonah at my church. One Wednesday night, I sat there listening to the pastor talk about Jonah not wanting to obey the Lord’s calling to Nineveh. Instead Jonah fled towards the city of Tarshish. As I took my notes, I all of a sudden felt it so strongly put it on my heart to go see my father.

Now at first I tried to brush it off, it was just a random thought in my head. But through out the sermon, it became clearer and clearer, the Lord was putting this on my heart and mind. When the sermon ended, I went up to my pastor, and he prayed with me. For my fleeing to come to an end, but to step in to where God was calling me to go.

“For you cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the flood surrounded me; all your waves and your billows passed over me. Then I said ‘I am driven away from your sight; yet I shall again look upon your holy temple.’ The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me; weeds were wrapped around my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God.” Jonah 2:3-6

While it may not have been a giant fish swallowing me whole, it did take a heart change. Which did not come all at once either, quite honestly it’s still ongoing.

That night I texted my dad that I was coming over to visit the next day. And so I did. Nothing crazy happened, we caught up for about half an hour, and then I went home. It was then I started to realize I had been carrying around those negative feelings of anger, bitterness, and some sadness too.

After going to see my dad, our communication began to open up more. I went to visit him more often, and I texted him more frequently. I also began to send him the online livestreams of the sermons at my church.

A few months later, I was driving to work one morning, when I decided to call my dad. I didn’t have any reasoning why, I just did it. I think that was one of the most real conversations my dad and I ever had. As we discussed the fact that I was driving (something I had struggled with a lot of anxiety about), I got to share how I really had to give the Lord my fear with that. That opened up more discussions with my dad about his life, and his relationship with the Lord.

A little after that I invited my dad to come to church with me at one of our outdoor services. He said yes, but in my heart I held on to all those other times he’d told me yes, and never showed up. This time he did though. Even though at that point, getting out of the house was a struggle for him. Even though he needed an oxygen mask to help him breathe, and barely had the strength at some points to keep his eyelids open on his own, he came and listened to the Lord’s word with me.

The last few times I visited my dad were mainly sitting in silence. Listening to machines, and shallow breaths. Helping move him from a bed to a chair, or holding a straw to his lips, so he could try and take a drink. Those last few visits were filled with a softness and compassion laid upon my heart.

One year ago today, as I sat in the Intensive Care Unit, watching my father die, I realized the bitterness and anger I held was gone. As I stood there with tears, I rejoiced in prayer that I was not saying goodbye with negative feelings. That the last year I had with my dad, the Lord used to grow me in my faith, and I believe my dad as well.

When my dad took his final breath, and his heartbeat stopped, I knew I didn’t want to be at the hospital anymore. I went to my church, and I remembered college weekend was happening that day. My community was there in that moment, praying over me and speaking truth. And I saw the beauty of the Lord through them in that moment, and the all powerfulness of God, as He knew exactly what I needed in that moment.

I sit here writing this in the exact coffee shop, that I wrote what I read at my dad’s funeral. I sit here now in awe of God, and the work He does in every single moment. How He took a heart full of troubled feelings, and softened it to love deeper. How in remembering my dad today, I can be full of joy and praise the Lord, for I know He is good through it all.

“The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.” Nahum 1:7

-Ellie Marie

Knowing Him

How do you get to know someone?

A little over a year ago, I was introduced to a woman at a large gathering. We did the basic exchanging of names, smiled, said “nice to meet you” and that was about the end of it.

Weeks after I repeatedly heard her name, and saw pictures of what she was doing in her life on Instagram. If we ran into each other, we’d smile in passing, or give a quick little wave. At that point I probably would’ve said “yeah of course I know her!” and spouted off some very general things about her life. But I didn’t really know her. I knew of her.

Eventually we went to a local coffee shop one day, and chatted. Believe it or not, we had some really great conversations, and continued to hang out from then on. Now I can tell you that this friend of mine is a prayer warrior, someone who loves others deeply, I know her laugh and the sound of her voice, and she’s become like a sister to me. I know her.

How I got to know this friend was not through the occasional wave when I saw her, or liking her pictures on Instagram. It was through intentional time with her, asking questions, listening to what she has to say.

Question: Are you doing the occasional wave to God, or getting to know Him? Do you know God, or know of Him?

Why does it matter? Why is it important to know who God is?

For starters, how can we tell about someone (something we are commanded to do) if we don’t know who they are?

“And he said to them ‘Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.” Mark 16:15

As we get to know God, and more about who He is, the more intimate our relationship with Him becomes. We know His voice, and where He’s calling us to. We know how deeply He loves us.

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.” 1 John 3:1

While there is the ongoing battle against fleshly desires, and we fall short, we strive to become more like God. To become more loving, graceful, sacrificial, just, humble, and more. How can we do this though, if we don’t know Him?

“That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10

So, how do you get to know Him?

Like I said earlier, as with my friend, getting to know someone takes intentional time, ask questions, listening.

The Bible is God’s word. You can do all three of those things listed above with the Bible. It is full of His truth, and who He is.

Praying is direct communication between you and God. He hears you, ask questions, praise Him, give Him your troubles.

Be still in His presence. I know it’s easy to get caught up in life. But our relationship with the Lord is more important than any thing of this earth. Tune out the distractions, listen to His voice.

“Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His presence continually!” 1 Chronicles 16:11

Seek to truly know Him, not just of Him.

-Ellie Marie

Job, David, You, and I

Job, David, You, and I. What’s the common theme here? Let’s take a deeper look.

“For my sighing comes instead of my bread, and my groanings are poured out like water. For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.” Job 3:24-25

The book of Job is packed with cries of pain, as his family is struck down, his health declines, and everything he once had is gone. There’s more to this story though, and we’ll get to that in a second.

“How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” Psalm 13:2

In Psalm 13 David laments that the Lord has forgotten him, that the Lord has withdrew from him. He begs of God how much longer? When will this end?

I’ve asked God that question a lot recently.

I have an autoimmune disease (Graves Disease), and the past few months have been hard. Most people can’t tell that I’m sick, not by a quick glance at least. The majority of my symptoms are invisible, but trust me they’re there.

Lately I’ve barely been able to get out of bed most days. There is a deep exhaustion that I can feel even in my bones, one that no amount of sleep fixes. Some days my brain fog is so bad, I can’t remember simple things like what day it is, or the reason I called you. Walking up a flight of stairs causes my heart rate to soar over 150 BPM, and my emotions? Wow the hormones are everywhere, and really don’t help with those.

And I lay in my bed, and wonder how much longer?

Now there is a fourth person in the title of this blog, and that’s you. Maybe you’re battling anxiety or depression. Or you just lost your job. Perhaps your pain is physical. That’s the theme between the four of us, we all live in a fallen world, and we all experience some type of pain in our lives.

Here’s the thing though, we don’t have to live in a hopelessness within our pain. We can put our trust in the Lord.

“And he said ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

In the verses previous to Job 1:21, we see that Job just lost all of his property, and belongings. Then after that all of Job’s children died. In the midst of his heartbreak, and pain, Job worshipped the Lord.

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13:5-6

Coming back to Psalm 13 again, we read that David’s tune has changed a bit. From the questioning cries, to the peace of trusting in God.

In both of these passages, we see Job and David communicating their pain to the Lord, and trust in Him with what they’re going through. I’m not saying it’s always a simple thing to do, or quick. It may take a lot of wrestling within your heart, as well as repentance and confession. But when you put your trust in God, that is where you will find peace.

The Lord can do all things, and He can work in all things. Even if you never see it, there is purpose to your pain.

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2

As I sit here, and type all of this out, my bones ache and my entire body is screaming for me to go to sleep. Yet I also feel the best I have in weeks, as I sit here digging into God’s word, and trusting in Him.

Whatever it may be that you’re struggling with right now, I encourage you to go to the Lord with it. Communicate your pain to Him, cry out to our Heavenly Father! Open up His word, even if you really don’t feel like it. Trust in Him.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

There will be a day when I am free of Graves Disease. There will be a day when we no longer will mourn. There will be a day when we no longer feel the pains of this world. I trust that, that day is coming.

And I look forward to that day.

-Ellie Marie

*P.S. Feel free to message me on my contact page if you’re struggling with what to do with your pain, need prayer, or have any other questions!

Whatever It Takes

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20

My mind is constantly running. Ideas, thoughts, and plans are always flowing through my head. Often these are way out of my current capabilities, whether it be what it would feel like to fly, or a new system that would better the world.

There’s very little restraints on the progress of an idea within your mind. You can dream up some pretty crazy things. Looking to Ephesians 3:20, it tells us that God can do more than we can ask or even think!

As I read those words, I’m in awe of the Lord’s power.

Sometimes, I think we can forget just how powerful God is. The creator of the heavens and the earth, the one who can calm a raging storm, who knew you before you were ever born. And we still forget His powerfulness.

I don’t mean forget in a way of disbelief that He did all those things. I mean forget in the way that we dwell on our problems. Making them bigger and bigger in our mind, instead of focusing on that God is bigger than any problem that comes our way. I mean forget in the way we go about our day to day lives, without a thought of God’s goodness. I mean forget in the way we focus on ourselves so much, and that’s where our attention is kept.

“I am the Lord; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols.” Isaiah 42:8

The Lord deserves our praise, not for His greatness to be forgotten. He does not give His glory or praise to another, but in our sinfulness we still give our attention to others or ourselves.

Without the realization that we’re doing this, we can’t turn our eyes fully to Him, not on our own. The one true King, the God who every knee will bow to, He can do whatever it takes to get our focus back to Him.

Back in October of 2020, God did just that with me. From an outward glance, everything was going good for me. I enjoyed my work, my friendships were solid, and a lot of my free time was spent helping out at church. Inwards though, my heart was not focused on God, but on me.

I came home one day from hanging out with some friends, to my parents telling me they were spontaneously leaving for Florida the next morning with my younger siblings. I had to work, and needed to stay home. I ended up getting off early a few days that week, but every time I tried to make plans my friends were busy. Coming home to an empty house, with no plans to go anywhere, a sadness began to creep up. This continued on for the rest of the week. A repetitive cycle, feeling the loneliness, sitting in self pity as I focused on me, drown it out with some distraction. Again and Again.

By the end of that week, I was feeling pretty low, but I held on to the hope of going to a friend’s house that Saturday night. The day finally came, and I was filled with excitement, ready to not be alone anymore. A few hours before I was to leave, I got a text from a friend that the get together had been cancelled.

I was devastated, and began to buy into different lies the enemy was using against me. My heart ached, and I left myself zone out in front of the tv, feeling alone and unwanted.

The next morning, I decided to go to a coffee shop, so I wouldn’t be alone. Yet even though there were plenty of people around, I still felt that way. As I dug around in my over-sized purse, looking for a book, I pulled out my Bible instead. I flipped around until I found Psalm, and just began to read. The next few hours I continued to spend with God, my heart felt lighter than it had in awhile.

Looking back on that time, I see how I was stuck in this pattern, of focusing on myself, and idolizing my time spent with others. God did what it took to break me of the pattern, and bring my focus back to Him. It took sending my family away, my friends not being able to be with me, and moments of being alone, to see where my heart was at that time, and to draw me nearer to Him.

While that time was difficult, it reminded me where my joy truly comes from, and that I am completed by the Lord, and not things of this earth. It reminded me of how powerful God is, and even remembering this time causes my heart to be filled with hope!

“Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.” 1 Chronicles 29:11

Whether right now is the greatest moment of your life, or you feel you’re at your lowest point, the Lord is great and powerful. He is good. Always.

I encourage you to think, and pray today, about where your praise is going to. Are you truly focused on the Lord, do you see His power in the day to days?

It’s not a one and done thing. This is something we will most likely often struggle with, and fall in again. But we serve a gracious, merciful, and powerful God. He can do the unimaginable and impossible. He can do whatever it takes.

-Ellie Marie

Total Surrender and Seeking Him

To start this blog, I want to go back for a minute. Let’s go back to about 7 months ago.

It’s May of 2020, and I’m sitting in my car listening to my anthem at the time, “I Surrender” by Hillsong Worship. Every time the song ended, I hit the replay button. In that moment I couldn’t tell you why I wanted to listen to it so much. I later came to realize the words they were singing, were the truth I needed to be hearing right then

I didn’t have anywhere in particular I was going, as most things were shut down at this time, due to Covid-19. I just kept driving, and listening. I’d occasionally press pause, talk to God, and then play the song again.

“Find me here, Lord as you draw me near. Desperate for you, desperate for you. I surrender” Hillsong Worship

As I drove on a back road in the middle of nowhere, my eyes started to fill with tears. The song continued to play, and I continued to drive.

All the “why’s”, “when’s”, “who’s”, and “how’s”, I’d been asking God were answered simply in that moment. I needed to surrender to the Lord, and put my trust in Him (which we’ll get more into, in other posts). It wasn’t the answer I thought I’d get, but it was the answer I needed.

“Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me” -Hillsong Worship

After some time sitting in my car, praying and listening, I eventually started to head home. Sitting in the silence for a bit, a phrase came to mind, and I knew what I would need it for one day.

That phrase was “Total Surrender and Seeking Him” and I knew it would be the title of a blog someday. I had no intention on creating one in that moment, so I put the name in my notes for later use. I would forget about it, until I’d look through my notes, and every time I knew it still wasn’t time to write it.

A friend told me a few weeks ago that maybe I should start a blog. My mind went back to the note that was saved in my phone. That friend continued to encourage me to write. The note saved in my phone became more and more present in my mind.

I slowly began to create “Total Surrender” first just messing around with the designs. Thinking that’s as far as I would ever get with it. Then I continued on creating it, until all that was left was to write a post. Pretty sure that’s what I’ve been sitting here typing, so I guess we’re going for it.

Honestly, I have no clue what will happen with this blog. I know though whatever does happen with it, I want to encourage others in their faith, whether it be one post or one thousand. I want to continue to surrender and seek more and more of the Lord.

-Ellie Marie