surrender – Total Surrender

Birds of the Air

Photo by Anthony Gurrola (@anthonygurrola)

I’ve spent a good portion of my life wrestling with anixety.

Stomach aches and fast heart rates. Chipping away fresh nail polish, while sitting in the very back row. Always making sure I had an escape plan for any scenario, all while telling myself in my head “you’re fine, just keep breathing.”

I’m sure you’ve been there before. The population of those who struggle with anxiety grows every year.

It can feel hopeless, as your fears just seem to get more all consuming. I remember that feeling.

My anxiety has ranged from being nervous in social settings, to not being able to drive a car out of fear of what could happen. There were somedays I barely felt like I was living.

At the beginning of 2020, on a Sunday evening, my church small group got together. There were about 35 of us that showed up, and I was on high alert. I sat on the edge of the circle, and kept my thoughts to myself. That is until they paired us off in prayer groups.

In that moment I felt a wave of exhaustion. Tired of living in constant fear, of always looking for new coping mechanisms, of always coming up with a plan.

I looked up at my prayer partner, and poured my heart out to her. I’m pretty sure I said more in that moment, than I had all year in our small group. We then prayed together, that I would no longer find my comfort in a zone but in the Lord, for forgiveness of the selfishness of my heart as I had a constant focus on me, for a deeper trust in God.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34

The passage above (Matthew 6:25-34) is one I read a lot growing up. One I’ve continued to read often.

While it is not a promise of a perfect, or easy life here on earth, these verses are a reminder of the love God has for us. That He is in control, and His plan is far greater than we could ever imagine.

Being anxious about the people around us, how we look, or what the future holds for us, will not do anything. Yet trusting in God will change everything.

After I prayed with the woman in my small group, there was a radical change in my life. Starting the very next day.

A group of people (none of which I knew very well) at my church decided to go hiking, and invited anyone to tag along. It was also about 30 minutes away, which meant I would need to drive there.

I thought back on the words I pleaded with God the night before. Next thing I know I’m saying “count me in!” and getting ready to go. My heart still raced the entire way there, and my hands were a little clammy on the steering wheel.

It was time though. Time for me to fully surrender the anxiety I carried around my whole life. Time to trust in Him more than I trusted in myself.

That evening was one of many opportunities, that God has used to push me out of my comfort zone, and grow me the past two years. It has been painful, and nerve wrecking at times. Yet through it I have been able to say it has been good, and more importantly HE IS GOOD!

As my desire to seek out the Lord, and to serve Him has grown, the focus on myself has lessened. Including the anxious thoughts about what I need to do, or what people think of me. I praise and thank Him for the place that I am now.

There are still moments of anxiousness, and I fall short. But as we see in the scriptures, and as I have witnessed in how He has moved in my own heart, His grace and love for us conquers.

If you’re struggling, I encourage you to surrender it to God. Go to Him with your fears and worries. Confess and repent of ways you’ve fallen short, and ask for His loving forgiveness. Pray for opportunities for God to grow you, and prepare your heart with truth for when they come.

This is not a one time prayer, or a one time action. It has been an ongoing process for me, a constant refining. Yet each time, I learn to trust Him more and more. I hope to continue doing so through out my life.

Next time you’re in a moment of anxiety, think of the birds. Think of the lilies. Think of the grass in the fields. Go to God.

-Ellie Marie

*I also want to address in addition to your spiritual health, to check in on your mental health. Anxiety can have different roots, sometimes coming from a chemical imbalance, or other environmental factors too. If you are in need of prayer or want someone to talk to, always feel free to go to my contact page, and fill out the information boxes 🙂

Knowing Him

How do you get to know someone?

A little over a year ago, I was introduced to a woman at a large gathering. We did the basic exchanging of names, smiled, said “nice to meet you” and that was about the end of it.

Weeks after I repeatedly heard her name, and saw pictures of what she was doing in her life on Instagram. If we ran into each other, we’d smile in passing, or give a quick little wave. At that point I probably would’ve said “yeah of course I know her!” and spouted off some very general things about her life. But I didn’t really know her. I knew of her.

Eventually we went to a local coffee shop one day, and chatted. Believe it or not, we had some really great conversations, and continued to hang out from then on. Now I can tell you that this friend of mine is a prayer warrior, someone who loves others deeply, I know her laugh and the sound of her voice, and she’s become like a sister to me. I know her.

How I got to know this friend was not through the occasional wave when I saw her, or liking her pictures on Instagram. It was through intentional time with her, asking questions, listening to what she has to say.

Question: Are you doing the occasional wave to God, or getting to know Him? Do you know God, or know of Him?

Why does it matter? Why is it important to know who God is?

For starters, how can we tell about someone (something we are commanded to do) if we don’t know who they are?

“And he said to them ‘Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.” Mark 16:15

As we get to know God, and more about who He is, the more intimate our relationship with Him becomes. We know His voice, and where He’s calling us to. We know how deeply He loves us.

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.” 1 John 3:1

While there is the ongoing battle against fleshly desires, and we fall short, we strive to become more like God. To become more loving, graceful, sacrificial, just, humble, and more. How can we do this though, if we don’t know Him?

“That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10

So, how do you get to know Him?

Like I said earlier, as with my friend, getting to know someone takes intentional time, ask questions, listening.

The Bible is God’s word. You can do all three of those things listed above with the Bible. It is full of His truth, and who He is.

Praying is direct communication between you and God. He hears you, ask questions, praise Him, give Him your troubles.

Be still in His presence. I know it’s easy to get caught up in life. But our relationship with the Lord is more important than any thing of this earth. Tune out the distractions, listen to His voice.

“Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His presence continually!” 1 Chronicles 16:11

Seek to truly know Him, not just of Him.

-Ellie Marie

Total Surrender and Seeking Him

To start this blog, I want to go back for a minute. Let’s go back to about 7 months ago.

It’s May of 2020, and I’m sitting in my car listening to my anthem at the time, “I Surrender” by Hillsong Worship. Every time the song ended, I hit the replay button. In that moment I couldn’t tell you why I wanted to listen to it so much. I later came to realize the words they were singing, were the truth I needed to be hearing right then

I didn’t have anywhere in particular I was going, as most things were shut down at this time, due to Covid-19. I just kept driving, and listening. I’d occasionally press pause, talk to God, and then play the song again.

“Find me here, Lord as you draw me near. Desperate for you, desperate for you. I surrender” Hillsong Worship

As I drove on a back road in the middle of nowhere, my eyes started to fill with tears. The song continued to play, and I continued to drive.

All the “why’s”, “when’s”, “who’s”, and “how’s”, I’d been asking God were answered simply in that moment. I needed to surrender to the Lord, and put my trust in Him (which we’ll get more into, in other posts). It wasn’t the answer I thought I’d get, but it was the answer I needed.

“Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me” -Hillsong Worship

After some time sitting in my car, praying and listening, I eventually started to head home. Sitting in the silence for a bit, a phrase came to mind, and I knew what I would need it for one day.

That phrase was “Total Surrender and Seeking Him” and I knew it would be the title of a blog someday. I had no intention on creating one in that moment, so I put the name in my notes for later use. I would forget about it, until I’d look through my notes, and every time I knew it still wasn’t time to write it.

A friend told me a few weeks ago that maybe I should start a blog. My mind went back to the note that was saved in my phone. That friend continued to encourage me to write. The note saved in my phone became more and more present in my mind.

I slowly began to create “Total Surrender” first just messing around with the designs. Thinking that’s as far as I would ever get with it. Then I continued on creating it, until all that was left was to write a post. Pretty sure that’s what I’ve been sitting here typing, so I guess we’re going for it.

Honestly, I have no clue what will happen with this blog. I know though whatever does happen with it, I want to encourage others in their faith, whether it be one post or one thousand. I want to continue to surrender and seek more and more of the Lord.

-Ellie Marie