trust – Total Surrender

Birds of the Air

Photo by Anthony Gurrola (@anthonygurrola)

I’ve spent a good portion of my life wrestling with anixety.

Stomach aches and fast heart rates. Chipping away fresh nail polish, while sitting in the very back row. Always making sure I had an escape plan for any scenario, all while telling myself in my head “you’re fine, just keep breathing.”

I’m sure you’ve been there before. The population of those who struggle with anxiety grows every year.

It can feel hopeless, as your fears just seem to get more all consuming. I remember that feeling.

My anxiety has ranged from being nervous in social settings, to not being able to drive a car out of fear of what could happen. There were somedays I barely felt like I was living.

At the beginning of 2020, on a Sunday evening, my church small group got together. There were about 35 of us that showed up, and I was on high alert. I sat on the edge of the circle, and kept my thoughts to myself. That is until they paired us off in prayer groups.

In that moment I felt a wave of exhaustion. Tired of living in constant fear, of always looking for new coping mechanisms, of always coming up with a plan.

I looked up at my prayer partner, and poured my heart out to her. I’m pretty sure I said more in that moment, than I had all year in our small group. We then prayed together, that I would no longer find my comfort in a zone but in the Lord, for forgiveness of the selfishness of my heart as I had a constant focus on me, for a deeper trust in God.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34

The passage above (Matthew 6:25-34) is one I read a lot growing up. One I’ve continued to read often.

While it is not a promise of a perfect, or easy life here on earth, these verses are a reminder of the love God has for us. That He is in control, and His plan is far greater than we could ever imagine.

Being anxious about the people around us, how we look, or what the future holds for us, will not do anything. Yet trusting in God will change everything.

After I prayed with the woman in my small group, there was a radical change in my life. Starting the very next day.

A group of people (none of which I knew very well) at my church decided to go hiking, and invited anyone to tag along. It was also about 30 minutes away, which meant I would need to drive there.

I thought back on the words I pleaded with God the night before. Next thing I know I’m saying “count me in!” and getting ready to go. My heart still raced the entire way there, and my hands were a little clammy on the steering wheel.

It was time though. Time for me to fully surrender the anxiety I carried around my whole life. Time to trust in Him more than I trusted in myself.

That evening was one of many opportunities, that God has used to push me out of my comfort zone, and grow me the past two years. It has been painful, and nerve wrecking at times. Yet through it I have been able to say it has been good, and more importantly HE IS GOOD!

As my desire to seek out the Lord, and to serve Him has grown, the focus on myself has lessened. Including the anxious thoughts about what I need to do, or what people think of me. I praise and thank Him for the place that I am now.

There are still moments of anxiousness, and I fall short. But as we see in the scriptures, and as I have witnessed in how He has moved in my own heart, His grace and love for us conquers.

If you’re struggling, I encourage you to surrender it to God. Go to Him with your fears and worries. Confess and repent of ways you’ve fallen short, and ask for His loving forgiveness. Pray for opportunities for God to grow you, and prepare your heart with truth for when they come.

This is not a one time prayer, or a one time action. It has been an ongoing process for me, a constant refining. Yet each time, I learn to trust Him more and more. I hope to continue doing so through out my life.

Next time you’re in a moment of anxiety, think of the birds. Think of the lilies. Think of the grass in the fields. Go to God.

-Ellie Marie

*I also want to address in addition to your spiritual health, to check in on your mental health. Anxiety can have different roots, sometimes coming from a chemical imbalance, or other environmental factors too. If you are in need of prayer or want someone to talk to, always feel free to go to my contact page, and fill out the information boxes 🙂

The Lord’s Purpose > Man’s Plan

If you know me, you know I’m a planner.

You can guarantee I have a link to set up a potluck sign up sheet, or a balloon pump for surprise parties. More than that though, I’m often setting up a timeline in my head, trying to figure out the best way to get things done. Yes, that can be a good thing. Sometimes though it can get taken a little far. Especially when I start thinking it’s my way.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21

Proverbs 19:21 was a wake up call I desperately needed to hear, and God has definitely been making sure that I have.

Backing up to December 2020, I had my life all figured out. Or so I thought. As the season was ending at my job, I planned to take a few weeks off and enjoy the holidays. Come beginning of January I would have a new job, and be working on my career. I would be saving up money, and be working towards eventually putting a down payment on a house. Starting to look for a potential serious relationship. Overall sounds like a decent plan, right?

Well, that is not what happened.

For the first three months of this year, I was pretty much bound to my bed, as we struggled to find a diagnosis of what was going on. The job I had planned on getting? Kind of difficult to do when you can barely stay awake. Those savings towards a house? Those started to dwindle, as even though I wasn’t working, I still had expenses. And a relationship? Ha. It’s safe to say things were not going as planned.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

The first few weeks consisted of me trying to get back on my feet, trying to take control of the situation on my own. I set doctor’s appointments, I budgeted my savings, I worked on my resume. None of those things were bad to be doing necessarily, but the problem was that I was relying on what I could do.

As I felt the continuous downward swirling, I decided to take a week off of social media, and away from distractions. I thought it would help me clear my head a bit.

In the moments of quiet, God softly put in on my heart to question “Am I trusting His plan or mine?” The realization overwhelmed my heart, as I finally saw the path I was trying so hard to create was of my own will, not His. Bringing me to another moment of total surrender, as I prayed for forgiveness, and a growing trust in His plan.

“Instead you ought to say ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:15

“Let Your will be done” became a continued prayer in my life. I began to see the moments I was stuck at home, as a beautiful time that I could have uninterrupted reading in God’s word. While my plan to work towards moving was put on hold, I’ve been able to enjoy more time investing in my relationships with my family. There was a renewed joy in my life, as I pressed into the Lord, and His plan.

One Thursday, a few weeks later, multiple events happened at once. My doctor’s finally confirmed a diagnosis (adrenal gland failure for one please.) We were able to get a supplement that I now take daily, and I began to function normally again! Then my former employer called me, offering a training position for a few months. Since then I’ve been able to work, and rebuild my savings. Most importantly though, my relationship with the Lord has grown, and my dependency on Him has deepened.

None of this was what I thought would happen this year. Yet I am so thankful that the Lord so graciously brought me to my knees, and brought me to the realization of needing to trust more in Him.

As I’ve continued praying James 4:15, my life has continued going in directions I never planned for. As my time in my training position is coming to an end, an opportunity arose for a new job, which I’m excited to announce I just accepted! The Lord has also placed some new ministry opportunities on my heart that I’m very excited about. Yet that meant also saying no to some things that I had planned for. Although it’s not easy to say no to something we want, I can guarantee a desire for the Lord is greater than any things of this world.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Looking back on this past year, no matter what worldly circumstances I have endured, I have felt peace in Christ’s presence. His plan does not mean “easier”, it is said there will be tribulation. Yet we can rejoice in the fact that He has overcame it all. We can rest that we don’t have to rely on our own plan, but can in His, which is perfect.

I pray that in the moments of temptation, when my flesh desires to trust in my own plans, that I will seek Him. I encourage you today to ask yourself the question I asked myself not too long ago…

“Am I trusting in the Lord’s plan or my own?”

If you’re struggling with trusting in the Lord, and need prayer, please reach out. I would love to join you in doing so! Because God’s purpose is truly so much greater than man’s plan.

-Ellie Marie

Job, David, You, and I

Job, David, You, and I. What’s the common theme here? Let’s take a deeper look.

“For my sighing comes instead of my bread, and my groanings are poured out like water. For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.” Job 3:24-25

The book of Job is packed with cries of pain, as his family is struck down, his health declines, and everything he once had is gone. There’s more to this story though, and we’ll get to that in a second.

“How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” Psalm 13:2

In Psalm 13 David laments that the Lord has forgotten him, that the Lord has withdrew from him. He begs of God how much longer? When will this end?

I’ve asked God that question a lot recently.

I have an autoimmune disease (Graves Disease), and the past few months have been hard. Most people can’t tell that I’m sick, not by a quick glance at least. The majority of my symptoms are invisible, but trust me they’re there.

Lately I’ve barely been able to get out of bed most days. There is a deep exhaustion that I can feel even in my bones, one that no amount of sleep fixes. Some days my brain fog is so bad, I can’t remember simple things like what day it is, or the reason I called you. Walking up a flight of stairs causes my heart rate to soar over 150 BPM, and my emotions? Wow the hormones are everywhere, and really don’t help with those.

And I lay in my bed, and wonder how much longer?

Now there is a fourth person in the title of this blog, and that’s you. Maybe you’re battling anxiety or depression. Or you just lost your job. Perhaps your pain is physical. That’s the theme between the four of us, we all live in a fallen world, and we all experience some type of pain in our lives.

Here’s the thing though, we don’t have to live in a hopelessness within our pain. We can put our trust in the Lord.

“And he said ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

In the verses previous to Job 1:21, we see that Job just lost all of his property, and belongings. Then after that all of Job’s children died. In the midst of his heartbreak, and pain, Job worshipped the Lord.

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.” Psalm 13:5-6

Coming back to Psalm 13 again, we read that David’s tune has changed a bit. From the questioning cries, to the peace of trusting in God.

In both of these passages, we see Job and David communicating their pain to the Lord, and trust in Him with what they’re going through. I’m not saying it’s always a simple thing to do, or quick. It may take a lot of wrestling within your heart, as well as repentance and confession. But when you put your trust in God, that is where you will find peace.

The Lord can do all things, and He can work in all things. Even if you never see it, there is purpose to your pain.

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2

As I sit here, and type all of this out, my bones ache and my entire body is screaming for me to go to sleep. Yet I also feel the best I have in weeks, as I sit here digging into God’s word, and trusting in Him.

Whatever it may be that you’re struggling with right now, I encourage you to go to the Lord with it. Communicate your pain to Him, cry out to our Heavenly Father! Open up His word, even if you really don’t feel like it. Trust in Him.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

There will be a day when I am free of Graves Disease. There will be a day when we no longer will mourn. There will be a day when we no longer feel the pains of this world. I trust that, that day is coming.

And I look forward to that day.

-Ellie Marie

*P.S. Feel free to message me on my contact page if you’re struggling with what to do with your pain, need prayer, or have any other questions!